F R E S N O 1630

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESIDENT'S REMOTE VIDEOCONFERENCE EULOGY FOR ENRON CEO KENNETH "KENNY BOY" LAY Statement by the President

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THE PRESIDENT: Is this thing working? Can everyone see me out there in Colorado? I'll talk loud so folks can hear me over those Aspen high-albreastude power farts. (Laughs.)

disappointed that I haven't traveled to the Rockies to deliver this in person, but, well, if I won't even attend my hooker-porking brother Neil's wedding for fear of bad press, then nobody should be surprised that I'm avoiding Kenny-Boy's corpse like the doughy lump of public relations anthrax that it is.

Anyway, I still can't believe Ken is dead. I mean, I just talked to him a few weeks ago. Of course, him and me were only "acquaintances". Not close or anything, you know? But still, when I think of all those millions and millions of dollars he gave to political campaigns for me and my daddy... (Sniffs.)

Sure, I always tell folks how "he supported my opponent Ann Richards" in 1994 ö but everyone knows he gave me ten times more money that year than he did that silver-haired gash. (Wipes nose.)

And when I remember how he'd let my family use his personal corporate jet on the campaign trail... I just... (Dabs tear from eye.)

I get a little... nostalgical is all. (Soft, shoulder-heaving sobs.)

Having said that, this is still a little weird for me, giving Ken's eulogy and all, on account of that's usually something that close friends do, and again, me and Ken was just "acquaintances." Know what I mean? It's not like we used to spend every weekend hanging out at my Texas ranch, lighting cigars with fifty dollar bills and plotting how to financially rape America's energy consumers.

No, it's not like we were informal and buddy-buddy enough for me to fire off sarcastic birthday notes to the guy or anything. Or give him random Christmas gifts year after year. That would be weird. Because again, we were just "acquaintances."

Unfortunately, I myself never had an opportunity to work closely with Ken Lay, though I've heard it said that being on his payroll was always a pleasant experience. They say that even when he was issuing marching orders to his lackeys, that he often had a wonderful way of making them seem like polite requests or invitations. Of course I wouldn't know any of that first hand, on account of Ken and me were only "acquaintances" ö whose shared belief in energy deregulation was just a total coincidence.

Anyway, I'm sure Kenny-Boy will be missed sorely. Not just by you, his family and friends, but no doubt also by the thousands of former Enron employees, who, thanks to Ken Lay, have been spared the existential agony of career stagnation ö and given the opportunity to embark upon exciting new lives as Wal-Mart greeters. (Thumbs up.)

In closing, let us bow our heads and pray:

Lord, we call upon you to embrace our dearly departed. To admit Kenny Boy into your zero-gravity cloud city, And cause enormous feathery wings to sprout from his back, And warm sun to gleam joyously on his pale, clammy chrome dome, And smiles to curl across his little chipmunk cheeks, And twinkles to light up his beady black rat eyes, For all eternity. In short Lord, we beseech you to have please only been kidding About that "camel going through the eye of the needle" stuff, Which after all Lord, Sounds like a bunch of commie liberal faggot bullpoo. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

And that's it for me. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the ceremony, and that the after-hours party is a real Texas rager!

POTUS over and out!

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