Outsourcing the Big Kahuna

Posted: March 9, 2006 1:00 a.m. Eastern

Is nothing sacred in secular society anymore? I read recently that Madison Avenue is outsourcing high-end creative work to India (Wall Street Journal, "Ad Agencies Are Booking Pbuttage to India," March 6, 2006, Page B1). The reason? It can cost as little as 1-8 the U.S. price.

That started the creative juices flowing, and I began to wonder. First, manufacturing to China. Then, software to India. And American tourists are flying to India to have their surgeries done there. Now the holy grail of American consumerism has fallen: advertising. At the rate we are going, soon the only "industry" we will have left is government.

Then it dawned on me. What's the single biggest, most unproductive and unresponsive "industry" we have in America? Why, it's government!

Think of the opportunity ö bigger, better government for just 1-8 the cost! Finally, something that both the political left and right in America can agree on: More government, and at the same time more efficient government! Why ö it's a no-brainer. Outsource the federal government to India!

This is not as far-fetched as it first seems. The Indians have excellent attorneys, bright and well-educated. Our Supreme Court has already taken to citing international law in its decisions, and finding "rights" for Americans in the laws of other countries. India's bureaucrats and administrators were trained by the very best, when Britannia still ruled (or more to the point, administered) the world. This means the Indians could easily provide culturally sensitive bureaucracy, tailored specifically for today's Western world.

India has already demonstrated that it can provide compbuttionate, caring buttistance via call centers for insurance, computer technical support, and other consumer products. Why not government services?

Here at home the long-term savings from such an arrangement are mind-boggling. Prior to outsourcing itself, the federal government could declare bankruptcy by acknowledging the obvious. This would immediately terminate its pension and other long-term obligations, freeing future generations of Americans to rediscover the joys of personal success and economic freedom!

The United States would, of course, continue to hold elections every two years for Congress, and every four years for a president, as mandated by the Consbreastution. Congress would meet annually to approve a new Indian outsourcing contract. The president would be available for ceremonial events, and to make speeches on historical holidays.

And the Supreme Court would continue reviewing the decisions of a vastly reduced number of lower courts, such decisions being meaningless anyway, since these courts would have no jurisdiction over the decisions of Indian courts, where the real cases would be heard and decided. And to further expedite justice, American attorneys could be barred by the outsourcing contract from practicing in India.

Let's see, what else is left? Oh yes, defense! Well, India already has nukes, so we can outsource that as well.

Just think of it: Better, faster, cheaper government, available at our fingertips via the immediate connectivity of the Internet. Even the Internal Revenue Service could be outsourced, with the Indians taking just a small fraction of revenues to run everything. Better, faster, cheaper ö plus an 80 percent tax cut. Now I ask you: Does it get any better than this?

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