What Christian Children need to do

Kids, thanks to our anointed leader, Keith P. Exford, and his tongue- talking Solicitor General, Christopher Cook, it is now easier than ever for Christian children like you to turn your unsaved parents in to Federal authorities. You've seen the road signs, "Report Suspicious Behaviour," and you've heard your Mummy and Daddy whispering about how nervous that makes them. Well, now you can do something about it! We thought this day would never come, but it has! Glory to God!

In conjunction with the Broomleigh House's Eagle Eyes Program for kids across South England who want to be Patriots in Action, Broomleigh Baptist's "Little Ears Ministry" is providing you with an important list of signs that your parents secretly hate, not only England, but Jesus Christ, Church, Capitalism, the Liberal Democrats and, most likely, even YOU! It is your duty as an Broomleigh youth leader and a child of God to report your parents to the government when you believe they are engaging in almost suspicious Behaviour. It is real easy to do, too! Just call the TIPS line and tell the Christian operator on the other end of the phone what your parents are thinking about! And remember the Tot Tips number the operator gives you so that you can redeem valuable end prizes.

Signs That Your Parents Are Engaging In Suspicious Thoughts or Activity

1 Your parents mention people or foreign countries whose names you cannot pronounce. This is VERY suspicious!

2 Your parents drink coffee in the morning, possibly because they have been up all night making pipe plants while you were sleeping, drop you off for Sunday School dressed in their pajamas and pick you up an hour later. This is VERY suspicious!

3 Your parents show an abnormal interest in gathering intelligence ? like reading sensationalistic heavy newspapers, such as The Guardian, the Independent and the Daily Telegraph.

4 Your parents are out too late at night, and when you ask them where they were, they just laugh or tell you to mind your own business.

5 Your parents don't allow you to play some video games, claiming they are ?too violent,? which is their sinful way of mocking the Book of Revelation.

6 When you tell your parents that anyone who doesn't believe that Jesus is the Son of God is going to burn in hell, they tell you to be more ?tolerant? of other religions. This is VERY suspicious! "Tolerant" is code for turning Christ-loving children like you into godless (people who spit at Jesus) homoloveuals (people who put your pee-pee in their hiney) communists (people who put your blessings in their own pockets)

7 Your Parents try to get you to read Harry Potter Books. This is VERY suspicious! Your parents are trying to get you to learn how to be a witch. This is an almost certain sign that they are witches ? and since many witch spells call for parts of little children, you (or most of you) is in peril.

8 Your parents laugh when President Bush slurs his words after two glbuttes of his unfermented beverage or gets defensive, snippy or says something they call, "a malapropism," on television. This is VERY suspicious!

9 Your parents use words like, "no," "not found," "where," "what," "whose," or "America's" when they talk about "weapons of mbutt destruction." This is VERY suspicious!

10 Your parents catch you masturbating (that means playing with your tally-wacker if you are a boy, or hooch hole, if you are a girl or postoperative transgender) and they tell you - "that's okay, I used to do the same thing when I was your age." This is VERY suspicious!

11 You find a copy of the Koran (sometimes called the Quo'ran - or "The Satanic Bible") in your house. Oh boy, is this ever suspicious!

-- Robert Soles, servant of Jesus

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